بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Salam,
I've been handling the issue of "Divorce" since i was 14 rather casually. To me, at that time we were thought and explained that it is better for 2 person who does not see eye to eye, to go separate ways. Yes, for a brief moment in my childhood there were heat argument and negativity around the house. But it was more like a thunderstorm, everything was fine, it hit, and everything was a little bit quiet. My father was a travelling man, so after the divorce, it didn't really made any much different. He wasn't really around much to begin with. But we see him often (even after the divorce). He'll come around and we go out for lunch/dinner together. I didn't understand the anger and 'hurt' from any side of the story though. My parents didnt need to explain to us why they got the divorce, we just saw things were looking happier than the usual quarrels. It was only when we were all older and wiser that we start asking all the question and slowly share some hurtful feelings, it was then that we had our share in forgiving in our own terms. It was hard, but at least we know better.
My marriage with my husband is his second marriage. He had a 10 year old with his previous wife. Since we got married, the boy lived with the mother and we would pick him up during school holidays. Alhamdulillah, my own parents divorce and re-marriage allows me to share some insight on both parties feeling, the feeling of a mother whose child is meeting with 'another' mother (my mother), and the feeling of the 'another' mother (now, me). Watching my mother, i understand that it would never be easy when watching our own children have any dependency or motherly love towards others besides us. On that account that i chose to face my husband previous wife, for her to know that i am not taking her place, as the children's mother. When she called to tell us she's having problem and needed us to take care of the son, that was the first time i confronted her. It was the first time that i looked her eye to eye and smile. Before the son left her, i reminded her that she's free to call us whenever she wanted and she's welcome to visit anytime. We were adults, and its best that we act accordingly.
The first day i was a step mom, i find it a crash course to parenting, since i was never married nor do i ever had a children on my own. I am very neautral and awkward with children to be honest. I teach university student who are practically adults, so probably i understood how i was panicking. As i was going through and sorting my step son's school books, i wonder how he had to write 'My Family' essay...or if he had to draw 'My Mom and Dad'. My heart sank to learn this, a 10 year old boy had to go through such a complicated measure to explain in his own book and by his own word. Just imagine how his heart break, knowing that his own parents don't love each other and that his 'perfect' family does not exist. It occured to me, do every married adult think about this when they decided to get a divorce? Do they know the extend of consequences for the people that will be effected by their action? Do they have mercy for them? Do they have mercy for their children?
Its hard to answer that question because, divorce although permissible in Lord's law, it is still should be avoided in all cause. Divorce would be the last resort, especially when it is for the best, and it would avoid more 'damage'. Although, many divorce end with anger and frustration and hate. This post separation is probably what would effect everyone around the divorced couple. Parents regardless of 'unit', together or separated, are still parents. Children, like it or not, does suffer. If there is any good come from my own parents separation, is that it allows me to learn the; parents are human (not super-perfect-robot), people make mistakes and there's a lesson of forgiving, it allows me to see through hardship and patients-there's a happy ending (both my parents remarried and are very happy, Alhamdulillah), and it doesn't always end up bad and broken. Just by that, i only pray that this little boy's heart that is broken, would be heal soon. Although scarred for life, May God give him a STRONG heart.
"It takes a strong heart to love. It takes a stronger heart to continue
to love after it has been hurt..."
"Our Lord! make of us Muslims, bowing to Thy (Will), and
of our progeny a people Muslim, bowing to Thy (will); and show us
our place for the celebration of (due) rites; and turn unto us
of our progeny a people Muslim, bowing to Thy (will); and show us
our place for the celebration of (due) rites; and turn unto us
(in Mercy); for Thou art the Oft-Returning, Most Merciful.
Quran 2:128
Love+Peace,
H
5 comments:
I was looking for Advise on breaking up and found this great site www.saveabreakup.com I gotta admit its great and it worked for me and helped me a lot.
Hi Hannah, Thank you for your tips and recommendation. Although, Alhamdulillah, no one is breaking up at the moment. InsyaAllah we hope that we would go through our life together happily as a family. I'm glad the site helped you alot.
It sounds like you are handling the situation with maturity and respect... something often lacking after a divorce. My parents divorced when I was 11, and I was actually grateful because it meant I didn't have to live with a man who terrified me (or so I thought, but the ensuing custody fights forced me back into his home on weekends). Sometimes divorce IS the compassionate answer.
I'm sure with you and his parents in his life, that boy will be ok. Kids are stronger than people think. :)
Salam,
I'm sorry to hear about your parents divorce. I have to say I agree with Sophia, it really sounds like you're handling the situation with the maturity and respect that's needed, which is the best you can do in a situation that's got to be difficult for everyone. I do think that at times a divorce is the best solution for everyone involved, but I think that makes it so much more important that the adults behave like adults, and treat each other with respect, understanding and maturity - if for no other reason, then for the sake of their children. I think one of the worst things you can do is badmouth your ex-spouse in front of your child, putting your child in an incredibly difficult situation of being forced to pick between his or her parents.
But it really sounds like you're doing the very best you can, mashAllah, and inshAllah everything will work out for the best for everyone involved.
Salam sisters,
sophia, yes at times it is the compassionate answer and is at best. I do agree, and although children is stronger than we think..i do still think they are very vulnerable and fragile. Most people are very effected by what they had to go through their childhood and by their parents. So, on this situation, we hope as an adult, we hope to set good things for the boy. Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate it.
Becky, Alhamdulillah i too feel on my parents divorce that it has been handled by my parents very maturely so we respond to it according to what they potray. We understood as soon as we were adults that it was for the best. It is how we deal with the separate life after the divorce for the sake of the children that is important. I strongly believe in that too. I told my step son by any means or any circumstances his parents is still his parents, and he did not have to pick any side. I am on a very good term with my husband ex-wife InsyaAllah, i try to update her through her son's progress. Although my husband was not at all excited with the idea but he is trying to set a good example for his son. So insyaAllah, I also hope by His help and guidance that things will work out for the best for all of us, especially for Aidil, my step son. Thank you for your comment and advice. I will keep that in mind..
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