بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Salam,
First of all, i didn't think my blog would get any read. I always thought, i would remain anonymous and let people find me (to my new friends/blog reader, thank you for your kind words and support. Your thoughtful comments are much appreciated!). This was more of my own personal reminder because at one time, i just foolish to keep slipping and forget. To keep your faith, you need to constantly talking about it, reading about it, listening to it. I once found peace, after my father found peace (Al Fatihah-May he rest in peace among His beloved. Love you , and i miss you abah) untill i couldn't find a way to talk about it, and during that time i'm ashamed to say i slipped. I slipped so hard that i find myelf 'forgot' about Him. Astaghfirullahalazim.
When my father passed away, a best friend, my longest dear friend Farah, sms-ed me something that moved me.
"*Hugs*, I'm sorry i'm just speechless. Although, i know God does not put a burden to those who can't handle it. And i know you're strong and able to get through this".
(i didn't keep this, but it always stuck in my head-so i might get or dropped a few words in this recalling)
It continued to follow me along my struggle, my emotional depression, my addiction. That all this casualties are there to help me to be a better person. Only to make me stronger and insyaAllah wiser. Another something that i keep as a personal motto is Surah Al Baqarah : verse 216,
"Fighting is prescribed for you, and you dislike it. But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knows, and you know not"
For 25 years growing up as this 'identity' i call self, I was for sure that i'm real and that i was not pretending being something else. Untill i read 'The Message', that all that made who i am are just not relevant. Those identity that i hold myself close, was really not who i am. Suddenly it feels natural being something else, which is more familiar and peaceful. I'm 27 now, and for 2 years, I still couldn't find who i really am. Its sound ridiculous, but i somehow been on a track that i never imagine possible for me to follow.
Here's what i meant, I grew up as a very artistic and a little bit eccentric kind of person. I was always loud and outgoing-very extrovert, but somehow now I can't put my self in a big crowd. I was quick to join in social gatherings, but now, i rather spend my time at home reading or just lazying. I never thought i could give up career-money making world that i put myself to dream how i'm going to live in that life, since i was young...but now, i couldnt care less about money/power. I imagine luxury and all the material things that i always long for, but it is very contradicting to everything i want to share with. And somehow, i'm happy. I never knew i could be strong to face death, but i see it as a very good sign, like my father is finally at peace from the problem he face in this world. I could never imagine being glad to help without any own benefit but now, I'm just scared i'm plain rude. I'm always felt i'm guilt-stricken when i walk away from my responsibility. And finally, I couldn't imagine myself having the blessing to raise a child. because for all i know, i'm just going to set a bad example...or that i'm just lousy.
When i started reading the Quran, all I wanted was to be a Good WIFE, and a Good MOTHER. My responsibility as a women. After a year waiting for someone, constantly picturing my fated 'husband'. I found someone who i couldn't imagine being with at the most remotely unimaginable place. My husband, who is a village boy in a small neighborhood secluded almost about 30 km away from the nearest city, was a divorcee, with one son. He work among the village man building and repairing building and houses. He's your traditional carpenter. (Again, who would've thought) I try not to second guess my decision and Alhamdulillah...he had proved to be more than i could ask for. Alhamdulillah. I don't know about Good. but I'm so glad HE let me be a wife. As for a mother, i did mention he have a son...
We had a talk last night about how we effected each our life so much, that he said how happy his son is after he moved in with us. I grew fond of the little boy, although i did manage to get a panic attack on the early part of the period (you gotta understand how different it is to raise a child since they're inside you. Or fast forward all the way- skipping the waking at night and changing diapers, to a smart-well behave-but full of 'minds' (hehe) 10 year old boy.)- My husband told me; "i can't believe you broke down with a 10 years old" when i cried fearing to raise another human being. That's when i try to think like a 10 years old. Now, we draw together, eat and speak with each other like any 10 years-olds. We play tricks together and make fun of each other. I finally think i could do this.
Last night, my husband reminded me something else. He told me that he knows how tough it is for me to suddenly put on a big weight, but he's glad to know God gave me a blessing. I was speechless to know that He had already fullfilled all my prayer. And finally, i was ready to received what i long for. I never thought i could ever be a mom, I even once asked a friend of mine, wether i make a good mum, and she said its hard to tell...Although, it is not my own child, i'm just glad He let him call me 'mother'. I'll leave the "Good" part for HIM to say.
p/s: Keep on praying, and have faith. HE knows what's best and when it is at best.
SubhanAllah, Praise the Lord, The Most Gracious,
Most Merciful. He is Great. Alhamdulillah
Love+Peace,
H
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