I read the Quran: why condemn me?

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I was born a Muslim, brought up by Muslim parents, but for 25 years of my life i couldn't bring myself to call myself one. I would just be a hypocrite if i thought i was. I was not praying, i barely belief in fate, I cursed through hardship, and i seek and idolized other books but His.

For about 2 years ago, reading Surah Yaasin during my father's funeral, it triggered a bell behind my brain (maybe frontal; i rather not go technical *cough*) that, i asked my self "WHAT does ALL this MEAN?". I was brought up, with islamic teaching although not as strict. I learned to recite in arabic and finished 'reciting' the Quran by the age of 12. Throughout, i read slowly but uncertain (but i always convinced myself, at LEAST i could read). So at the age of 25, cladded in a loose hijab barely covering my fore head/front part of my hair, trying to pray my respect for my father,-something felt like a slap across my face. I don't know what my God's message i was reading throughout my life. NO IDEA AT ALL. There i was reading Surah Yaasin, reading this:

"The Word is proved true against the greater part of them; for they do not believe. We have put a yokes (restraint) around their necks right up to their chins, so that their heads are forced up (and they cannot see). And We have put a bar in front of them and a bar behind them, and further, We have covered them up; so that they cannot see. The same is it to them whether you admonish them or you do not admonish them: they will not believe"

Quran S36:V7-10

This is when i look up from my small Surah Yaasin book, and spaced out for the longest time. Have i become THIS, all my life? Did i really refused? Yes, i did. I remembered running away from discussing any part of religious matter with anyone particular saying it's a 'taboo' or 'i rather not speak of it, fearing i could offend anyone' all these excuses. I shun away if anyone ever asked me if i was a Muslim, or why am i not wearing a Hijab. Most of the time my replied was 'I'm not THAT religious'. There are some point of my life that i prayed to God sincerely, but there was also part of my life that i didnt believe in God entirely. I was really inconsistent in my faith. if i ever had one.

After my father passed on safely, the next day, i bought myself my own Yusuf Ali translation of the Quran (pocket version), and started reading it from cover to cover. Just immersed myself with it by myself. I sit on my own in silence and just going through it, skipping on things i don't understand and founding myself 'Ooooo' when something makes sense. It was the most amazing thing ever. My faith was restored for Him, that i grew LOVE for His Mercy. I was at peace. The logic of the Hijab for instance, was something that i accepted to quickly. The idea of modesty was so beautiful, I took upon it rather drastically. Most people got really taken aback by my sudden switch from hot pants to full loose drapes. It just felt natural doing it. It made me feel humble. It wasn't a heritage memory/traditional familiarity. It was fully scraped to zero and beginning from nothing.

From there, many curious people asked what happened, why the sudden change, am i getting married etc etc, all i said was i found LOVE. I Love God. Little asked me 'how'. Some did asked how can THEY achieve it too, the LOVE. I say, read the Quran. because my answer and your answer might be different according to your question. Your heart seeks different things than mine, but the answer is in the Quran. Reading by own self, always somehow was taken in a dodgy way. Many warned me. I always say, My intention is to Him and May He Guide Me. InsyaAllah (By His Will). I had no fear in searching.

This issue was always been arising again and again since day 1, and untill last week a sister of mine, who i share tremendous things from the Quran together, raises her frustration. She was actually stalked, been threaten by a 'paranoi' individual who feels that SHE is a threat to 'Islamic Belief'. The individual warned anyone around her, not to speak with her or everyone will go astray. She is so frustrated that she decided to speak nothing of religion at ALL publicly or openly. I am lost of word for everytime i heard every warning or stop sign some people had to go through while trying to search for truth.

A Non-muslim tried to convert and some 'Muslim' would quickly judge by labelling 'another convert wish to get married'. A jeans-clad-non-hijabi-wearing girl wanted to read a Quran, someone quick to say "BE CAREFUL, don't read it by yourself". Any youth, young looking women/men giving out her 2 cents about the Quran, and quickly shut down (rather harshly) by an adult, saying we know NOTHING. In the end, its either these 'beautiful searching' soul, decided to keep their love a secret like Layla, or decided to quit searching all together on their 'ridiculous' lone quest.

Where's the support for those seekers? Why condemn their question for truth? Why quick to pass judgement? Why fear? So much fear that these seeking people are tainting the 'IMAGE'/'IDEA' of Islam, that they will bring many others down to 'lost path'. When the Lord, had already promised a VICTORY to those that belief. but why still fear? These 'pestering' judge keep condemning the seeking traveler, like they are the biggest sinner. When the non believing soul look at these people of 'peace' cutting on each other throat feeling relieved that they don't believe. Thus, in the end...Let's leave it to the JUDGE, the ONE and ONLY.

To my fellow seekers, travellers, wanderer's of truth;

"Go Forward, and reach for HIM, let LOVE be your fuel. Let HIM Guide you, FEAR nothing. For We are the Citizen of PEACE"

Love+Peace,

H