بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Salam kids,
Remember when i said this blog is not a theory but just a ranting of another traveler, well this traveler just learn quite a huge lesson today.
You know how i accentuate that i am not a scholar? Well i'm not...I wasn't the teacher's pet in kindergarten, i wasn't much of the girl that other girls wants to be friends with during primary girl school, i maybe were a rebel in high school, but i'm not of those well achievers in University. I was, with the exceptional in high school, pretty much normal average decently smart person (when i mean smart, not like in a professor/genius manner...just with good decent general knowledge here and there)who pretty much gain most of is through journey of my life.
So, when God graciously give me a clue on how Magnificently Gracious He is, I was very eager in gaining as much and taking everything in. Eager so much, that wherever i go from any source, by the various school of thought, The heart will find its way to Him. I still couldn't remember the Quran by heart, and coding a conversation through numbers of ayat and verses (but i intend to, insyaAllah *pray*) Nor could i answer what's permissible and banned on the tip of my finger. I still contemplate on life and still struggling to be a decent person daily. So i'm here as one of those wanderer still looking....through reading, talks, school of thought, by listening to stories of the peaceful ones, by reading many theories and scientific find of the earth, finding any clue to bright my way back home...
Home, its funny how i just thought of it. Anywhere we go, or we're scattered, or lost somehow, we all end up coming Home. Safe. It is not safe here. When you feel like you're tied to Him unbounded, the world find its way to distract you and hypnotize you. At least to me. The struggle, peace of mind, and fall, keeps yo-yo ing. and everytime you fall you, right before you struggle, you thought to yourself (if you're lucky) "what am i doing? God...He sees me, and i'm not at peace" and you fall into this deep shame. And right then, you will see His Mercy and somehow found peace.
I'm in a process of reading the thought of the Dalai Lama through his conversation with Eckman. Buddha as known as a philosophy religion of free from suffering especially which touches quite detail in how the 'mind' works, intrigues me. Then, i'm going through a phase of acceptance. Because at one point i was so focus in keeping everything right, i tried to keep everyone right too. Which my brother pointed out that 'regardless of your praying, your reading and your dedication...it will grow to waste everytime you 'dislike' a person and having bad thoughts about them'. It was a slap in the face, and finding that, i found friends who by the bless of God, helped me to see clearer in the Quran.
Mentioned earlier in my previous post, i touched a little about 'holier than thou'. The judgemental state. Like i said, i struggle daily with myself through this journey, i slipped and i judged. I confronted my best and longest girl friend, and somehow try to 'advice' her but ending up me, judging her. It does not matter if you mean or don't mean what you say...it still gave you no right. No right at all. I go through that 'mean girl' phase and was so caught up by the drama, then through the cycle, i stopped myself. the question "what am doing?". Damage had been done, and the way to undo it, is through time. I apologized and say what i need to say, and leave it to Him.
Alhamdulillah, Praise to the Almighty Lord, both of us saw what lesson we both need to learn, and continue to grow up together (InsyaAllah)...So since then, i try to Furqan (differentiate) everything that is around me. TRYING (emphasizing) daily to make peace with my mind. to make peace with everything. Instead of confrontational (a slip of opinion will come up occasionally) i try to listen and digest everything in, instead of refusing an entry to make connection with my other school of though. Jumping into conclusion, getting paranoid, and make irrational comment right at the moment and blowing fast fuses are among the many of the main practise. Before i predict any souce or outcome of a situation, i try to 'Furqan' the situation from every angle i could possibly find, before i could do all of that...i usually go to the state of 'oh well, what ever that makes him/her happy'. Before i think to myself this person is trying to pull my leg, i try to tell myself, let him/her pull your leg a bit longer and see how far can a person brings truth/lie...Before anything, before any action is applied, you procrastinate as much as you could untill you find acceptance, and to really let go and take every thing that the world have to offer. Giving and Taking everything and be at peace.
I remember in a discussion among my brothers and sisters, who kindly enough, (may God bless them and their effort) explain to me about how God make ear to listen, eyes to see and heart to differentiate (furqan)....I will try and look/find out the ayat again, i can't seem to remember now, sorry.
Found it thanx to my dear friend E.
16:78 "And Allah has extracted you from the wombs of your mothers not knowing a thing, and He made for you hearing and vision and intellect that perhaps you would be grateful."
67:23 "Say, "It is He who has produced you and made for you hearing and vision and hearts; little are you grateful."
7:179"And We have certainly created for Hell many of the jinn and mankind. They have hearts with which they do not understand, they have eyes with which they do not see, and they have ears with which they do not hear. Those are like livestock; rather, they are more astray. It is they who are the heedless."
Take the time to contemplate...and accept.
Love+Peace,
H
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