tick-tock-tick-tock

Waiting On Little Feet: Part 2 (Party Animal)

Salam,

This little 'zen' master is taking his/her time in my belly, while I'm killing my time with little's feet growing handmade animal friends. So far, I've made bunch of teddies (as presents for my fellow new mummies), couple of bunnies, humpback whale for my sister in law & my brother (who both LOVES the underwater world), a monkey for my niece, a black cat (since I have an obsession for black cats), a duck, and an elephant. I hope little feet is not holding back for me to finish an entire zoo for him/her...*phew*

Love+Peace,

H

While waiting for the little feet

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Salam,

My sisters! Hello! Yup, still waiting for the little feet to arrive...Anytime soon, insyaAllah. Probably somewhere around end of this week or the next. *can't wait!*

I'm at my mum's now, counting on the days while my son is away on a camping trip, and my husband is at home continue on his work. They are only a phone call away, if I'm all ready to go in labour. Since our house is like 75km away from the nearest hospital, we decided that I should stay at my mum's which is in the city. A more convenient option, for any emergency cases *touchwood*. 

I started to have contraction last friday at 2 AM when I felt a sudden 'menstrual' pain, backache (which my mum had specifically said "come by when you start to have backache"). All of us, including my sleepy step son quickly pack our bags, jump onto our car and drove 40 minutes to my mum's house. I really thought I was going through labour. After inconsistent contraction, (labor signs include consistent contraction which get nearer by the hour), we concluded that it was just a false labour. Since I was only 36 weeks (short 1 week to fullterm of 37 weeks), we all decided that I should stay at my mum's and stay put, while my husband and his son drive back home and continue with work and school.

It's been days and the mild contraction has been very inconsistent, but i do feel my tummy getting bigger and tighter by the days and my feet is getting all tired and heavy. I can't really do much, but walking around and up and down the house, helping my mum with what ever things I can get my hands on. She's been busy sewing baby blankets and etc for me and my sister in law (who is also pregnant), remnant of pretty cloth was everywhere for her patchwork projects. As I was laying like a whale counting on the seconds before I go on labour, I had the sudden urge one day, to make baby plushies. I like to remind myself that I once made a statement that I could not save my own self if my life depend on me sewing. I could do any housework BUT sewing. I remember once my step son asked me to help him sew his school badge on his school shirt, it took me 3 hours of sweating and trembling trying to get the badge sewn decently...*barely* I cringed on the outcome. He tried to look at my *skills* while I was trying to sew the badge on, I end up shoo-ing him off because I can't handle the pressure of being observed...*ha-ha*

BUT, probably driven by the fact that I'm all wired with weird hormones, I decided to search on youtube and see if I could get my hands on EASY-TO-MAKE plushies. and I stumbled on something I was confident enough to make. So, with the step by step video on my laptop, my mum's sewing kit and leftover cloth, a couple of buttons and stuffies- I whipped myself into a teddy plush toy maker for the past 2 days. 

And Voila! my child now has a pillow/plushies/soft toy that was made by yours truly...gotta love this weird hormone~ never in a million years do I find myself sewing...


not to shabby...in a quirky-weird-monsterlike-rustic kind of way *grin*

Love+Peace,

H

Dropping By to Say Hi!

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Salam,

Hi Everyone! I miss all of you! and I hope each and everyone of you is doing good. I know, it's been months. and can you believe it that I'm less than 10 weeks away from my 'supposed' due date, insyaAllah? I'm almost 7 months long now, and yes...a beautiful walking blimp if I may say so. Experiencing every kicks and shoving that's going on in my tummy. Body heat is sometimes unbearable now, since the body is really using up energy for the little feet's growth...So, I'm sweating ALL the time. Body is getting extra tired now, and sleeping is now different (I'm sleeping almost all the time, and night sleep is really a lot of tossing and turning to adjust on the growing tummy)...Other than that, I'm really trying to experience my pregnancy and taking it all in. Everyday, my tummy is taking on different shape now, so the nearer I am to little feet's arrival, the more everyday seems like a flash. Everything is so quick to change now...MasyaAllah.

I just thought I would drop by and update on what's going on with me....Other than my pregnancy update, I'm doing pretty well Alhamdulillah...Each and everyday you'll learn about anticipating what kind of parent you'll be, and each day in 'transforming' as a parent, you're unveiling the side of yourself that you never realise. I know, I'm learning new side of me everyday now...I get it now when people say, you become a women when you're a mother...It's hard to explain how, but somehow your feminity just blossomed and feel right in your own skin. 

As for the books I've read; Emotional Awareness Dialogue between Dalai Lama & Eckman has been a HUGE help for me overcoming and understanding my own emotion 'rollercoaster'. Especially since everything is 'hormonally'(is there such a word) driven, and it was rather depressing...but Alhamdulillah, the dialogue talks about the technical aspect and the spiritual aspect of human and its emotion, and all the types of emotion that circles around an individual.  I can get quite heavy at times, but I read it and put it down once in a while, so it doesn't seem too overwhelming than reading it in one go. So, to those who would love to have an insight of what 'emotion' is all about from Eckman's and the Dalai Lama himself, should definitely try and read this book.

The Baby Book is full of illustration, I find it informative from a 'pro's point of view (the gy/ob which is the husband) and the mother's point of view (the book is written by husband and wife). Great book to have around for quick reference and info's (at times you're too lazy to turn on the pc)

I'm feeling a sudden drowsiness and sleepy (yup..this is totally normal for me), me and my husband could be in a middle of a conversation, and I would stop suddenly and feel like sleeping. It's weird...hahahha...

I'm not sure i'll be on the blogging wagon just yet, I'm planning to stay away from being online untill little feet's arrival...But I hope to be blogging again soon and to read and hear more from all of you soon. Do know that I do miss blogging and speaking to you lovely ladies again. *virtual hugs* May God bless all of you, and my best prayer for all of you! 

Love+Peace,

H

Unplugged:Will be missing u!

Salam,

I always believe God is always there to save us, it is either we recognize it or not. A lot of things had lead to me up to this point, and although I whined countlessly and shamelessly pour my heart our here, I am at that point now that I've feel nothing but grateful. I feel better and seems to handle my emotion better too. Some part of it is thanks to the fact that I'm connect-less from the internet. I'm at my mum's, during my break from lecturing, and i'm just taking this opportunity to say I'll be out of the loop for awhile. 

Here's what I like to share before I'll start missing all of you. These is what I've been up to;

1. Learn to be my own therapist/friend/simon cowell/advisor/etc- I don't know where I got it from but I started to observe my thoughts and somehow have a dialogue going in my head. I talked earlier in my blog about taking the time to analyze a situation, and this new found 'method' (at first, I thought I was going nuts), somehow helps.Alhamdulillah, It had helped me buy some time before reacting to an emotion I have, and I somehow have my husband notice the 'improvement' too. I guess, as cliche as it sound, no matter how many people around you, the best person to listen is always yourself.

2. Taking a break in my daily task- Using prayer as meditation and reflection moment. 

3. Accepting that I am not perfect, and there are times I deserve a break.

4. Organize, but never plan. It's okay that I don't get EVERYTHING figured out beforehand, and expect that everything that doesn't go my way, happen for a better reason. Period.

5. Appreciating moments, not days. especially appreciating being pregnant and basking my time in all it's glory of its transition into motherhood. 

Love+Peace,

H

Another Pregnancy Post: my rainbows

salam,

I'm gaining strength Alhamdulillah, through one day at a time. Honestly, I was definitely praying to God for the blessing of having my own child, truth be told, and I can't tell you how grateful I am when my prayer was answered. As I go through it, I started to doubt my self...(it's okay, judge me all you want). I got scared since I struggle with my step son, the noise started to play in my head, "can i really do this?", "Did I asked something that I couldn't handle?", and it sure did not come easy since 'LIFE' goes on..and there's up's and down's. Challenges and test comes from left and right. I broke down way too much that I couldn't understand it. The more I try to let it out, the more I was judged. Like it was 'unaccepted' for anyone to go through vulnerability. So most of the time, I keep it in. And then, the more I keep it in, the more it eats me up inside. The painful part was, I was aware of all of this, and I couldn't help myself. 

Then I started to think back about the blessings, the prayer that was answered, the child I'm bearing...My own transition for being a mother. The more I keep myself in this suffering, the more I'm being selfish. I'm harming my own child, every time I let myself 'thinking' I 'needed' to suffer. As I started to read, and meditate again, trying to keep my mind 'in control', Alhamdulillah, I'm starting to see my little rainbow. We all forget, especially going through 'crazy' times, that at the end of the day, when we're alone on earth (when no one but yourself can help you), we forgot about 'The One'. At least, I know I did. It took me, several breakdown, painful loneliness, secret worries, I even hide myself under a bed (!) because I just wanted to disappear from everything, -to find out I didn't even ask help from the 'Bigger' Power. I pray to God everyday, but sometimes, it takes more than a thought to find your spirit and restore it strength. As my mind quiet down, as I let go negativity like wind passes through, and keep telling myself 'I don't need to explain myself to anyone', I find myself finding more and more strength. All those time I thought I couldn't help myself, true enough sometimes I'm not strong enough to help myself. We all need a 'higher' energy to give us more strength. It's only after His help, that anyone else could (including ourselves) reach out and give the extra hand.

My husband has been so patient with me throughout these 'difficult' episodes, that I have nothing but greater respect for him. He's been accepting me, without judgement, and continue to support me without pushing me towards any direction that I don't feel like going. I have the tendency to 'please' people, but with him...he never seemed to 'push' me, regardless how idiotic my decision is, he gets my intention...and it is always easier to communicate when it comes to him. So sayang, May God bless you for being who you are, even after all the things 'people' say...

That being said, I would like to remind myself here of all the rainbows that I have in my life right now;

1. Being bless with a baby in my belly

2. Not to have nausea/morning sickness/feet cramps/etc & etc of long list of pregnancy hiccups. 

3. Having a supportive mother. and entering to motherhood, brought another level of respect for my mama.

4. Finally having great good night sleep...*sigh*

5. Loving husband, I shouldn't say more...

6. Dalai Lama...(book review coming your way!-this book helped me upon everything else I'm doing)

7. Getting to open the window, and to have fresh air hits my face every single day. I live in such beautiful place, I still can't believe it. 

* Upon a lot of things I'm thankful for, I'll stop at 7 for the 7 colours of the rainbow..LOL..

Alhamdulillah...

My mum made me feel like I'm a planet

salam,

This is what happen when we shopped for my maternity pants today;
I finally admit that it's about time that I get myself one of those maternity pants. Some of my friends swore by it, but since most of my clothes are loose fitting, it had helped me hold on to most of my clothes. Except for my pants. My belly is growing and besides my drawstrings and pajama pants, I hardly have any other pants to wear. So today my mum decided to find maternity pants for me. We went to the nearest mall, near my mum's house, and we started looking through some of the maternity pants. I'm a jeans person, so I was thrilled to see they have 'jeans' looking maternity pants. Straight away, aware that I've grown a few inches *ehem* beyond my waistline, I grabbed a size L. Accepting that I'm normal-pregnant lady-ballooning. The jeans has some elastic fabric on it, and its stretchy. It's a comfortable pants, compared to my last pair of jeans that I'm clinging on. I come out of the changing room to show my mum, and she asked if it was 'tight', because it look snugged especially on the thigh. It's comfortable, but I'm only 5 months pregnant, and I still have more than a couple of months to go through, insyaAllah. More room would be a good for the long run, so I agreed to try another size bigger. yes, XL. Again, I went into the changing room and try it on. It does feel room-ier, and to be realistic of the anticipated size I'll grow into, I feel great getting this pants. It looks great and it feel WONDERFUL. So, I come out of the changing room to show my mum that this pants is great, she keep looking at my thigh, and asked if its tight again. Again, I told her it's stretchable, and I think I'm fine. She asked if there's another size up. My jaw dropped, and told her that they have 'XXL'.

Mum:"Why don't you try it on"
Me: "Okay, if you insist, but do know that you're making me feel more depressed"

We laughed it out, as I try the XXL size. I was more than relief to feel the elastic part barely hanging on to anything, doubting that I'll ever go that big for the next 4 months or so. So for the last time, I stepped out of the changing room, not feeling like I'm a planet anymore. and glad that my mum also thinks that I'm not that huge...ahhahahah...Love you ma!

I read a lot about pregnant women feeling all depressed about ballooning, feeling fat, and I being a person who barely feel too conscious about my 'size', never thought I'll ever understand how they feel. To me, as long as I'm eating right and try to keep myself healthy, it's good enough for me. Being thin or skinny was something I battled with during my teen life, and getting over it was a huge liberation. But to tell you frankly, I was not prepared of how huge pregnant women can really get. I was surprised last week to look myself in the mirror and see how 'HUGE' I look. and at that point, I finally understood everything I read. Especially today when my mum, by no intention of course, make me feel like a planet...ahahha..

I can't wait to get VERY huge and embrace it now.

Love+Peace,
H

Mushaboom by Feist

"Mushaboom" is about a simple life in a small town, and taking the time to enjoy life. It contrasts the somewhat melancholy state of the singer's present situation ("It may be years until the day / my dreams will match up with my pay")-source wikipedia


Helping the kids out of their coats
But wait the babies haven't been born oh
Unpacking the bags and setting up
And planting lilacs and buttercups oh

But in the meantime we've got it hard
Second floor living without a yard
It may be years until the day
My dreams will match up with my pay

Old dirt road,
(mushaboom, mushaboom)
knee deep snow
(mushaboom, mushaboom)
Watching the fire as we grow
(mushaboom, mushaboom)
o-o-o-o-old

I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house oh
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done oh

How many acres, how much light
Tucked in the woods and out of sight
Talk to the neighbours and tip my cap
On a little road barely on the map

Old dirt road,
mushaboom, mushaboom)
knee deep snow
mushaboom, mushaboom)
Watching the fire as we grow,
mushaboom, mushaboom)
o-o-o-o-old
(mushaboom, mushaboom)
Old dirt road rambling rose
(mushaboom, mushaboom)
Watching the fire as we grow
(mushaboom, mushaboom)
Well I'm Soldddddddddddddddd


H Note: One of my favourite song and singer, this song particularly is like my life right now, and it's uppity beat cute melody seems fitting for a baby tune...18 weeks means my baby had developed hearing ability, how little feet love feist. :)

Let's Have Some Shirley Temple and Be Optimistic

How to Be Optimistic

by Remez Sasson
Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Do you expect the best or the worst to happen?
Being an optimist does not mean that you are out of touch with reality, ignoring difficulties and obstacles and behaving in a naive way.
Being an optimist means that you hope and expect events and plans to turn out well, and that you look with a smile on the future.
It is important to be a balanced optimist, not pretending that nothing bad can or ever will happen. Doing so can lead to being impractical, making poor decisions and letting people ridicule or take advantage of you. A balanced optimist looks at reality, acknowledge difficulties and obstacles, but is not discouraged by them. A balanced optimist can see the good and the bad, but at the same time expects success and puts forth effort to make things turn out well.
Being optimistic doesn't mean waiting for things to happen by themselves. It means expecting the best, believing that the best will happen, but at the same time making decisions, following them, acting and making things happen.
Why be an optimist? Because optimism keeps you motivated and energetic, pursuing what you want with ambition, confidence and happiness. It helps you focus on your vision, and makes everyday a happy day.
How can you be optimistic and keep holding this attitude?
Don't get angry with yourself if you find yourself feeling pessimistic. Acknowledge that it is only natural to feel pessimistic at times, when life is boring or when you encounter difficulties or hardships.

Acknowledge that changing your mental attitude takes time, so be patient.

Keep a list of motivational and inspiring quotes handy, and read them several times a day.

At least once a day listen to music, your favorite songs or some inspiring or relaxing music.

Exercise your body often and regularly.

At least once a day do something that makes you happy and satisfied. This can be anything, even some minor activity or action like eating something you love, watching a favorite T.V. program, reading or talking to a friend.

Try to smile more often.

Take more care of your appearance and how you dress. When you look good you will feel more confident and positive.

Endeavor to see the good in every situation.

Have enough sleep at night. When don't sleep enough or don't sleep well you can get moody, unhappy and impatient. Good sleep will make you more energetic, alive, optimistic and feeling good.

If you can, avoid the company of negative

Learn to accept the past, leave it behind and continue to better things. Wallowing in the past creates unhappiness and lack of optimism.


An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity.
Winston Churchill
One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Lucille Ball

It's a roller coaster ride

salam,

I was on a terrible emotional roller coaster for the past few days, my mum insist it's just my hormone gone haywire...but I would like to think I still do have some control over myself regardless of a chemical in my body spritzing random emotional stuff all over my brain. So I won't blame it entirely on my 'hormone'. 

What I learn these past few days are how to keep yourself really really patient. I know I've talked about this before, but it always easier said than done. Probably that is why it is so powerful there is this saying that 'Patience is a VIRTUE'. A highest standard of moral. And we all know how something at the 'peak' takes a lot of effort to reach. I'm not the most patient and graceful person on earth, I break down and blow up easily. That is something that I been praying a lot, to have more patient...and Alhamduillah I'm VERY fortunate enough to have met some of the most patient people on earth through my journey. Having them in my thought, remind me that it's a rare trade that a lot of people lack...and it is such a wonderful thing to have in a person. It just makes the person so beautiful, to accept life as a whole...The highs and the downs. 

I was going through inspirational words and pictures, because i think it's such a therapeutic thing to see positive things. Then I stumbled upon a blog which asked me an important question in life ;

source; http://www.thatunreliablegirl.com/2008/10/interlude-road-trip-archives.html

which leads me to write this post. I was so caught up with some 'sad' things that effected my life, that I forgot to distract my self with my surrounding blessings. I forgot how journey leads to a lesson, and I forgot to put the lesson in my life instead of living in the lesson. Am I where I want to be? Yes, and it's amazing...and it's all that matters. Alhamdulillah. I need to remind myself that, and to lead my life more patiently. 

p/s: Thank you for all of your kind words, reader. I appreciate it so much...May God bless all of you.

Love+Peace,

H

Pregnancy Stress

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

salam,

A lot happened these past few weeks, and I really can't say I'm on my best moods...Something happened earlier last week that really gotten me depressed...I tried hard to dismiss it, and really trying hard to ignore it for the sake of my baby. Some people had a way of trying to hurt you and say mean things to you, and at times it gets the best of you. Well, it got the best of me. Although I tried to be a better person in the situation, damage was done and VERY hurtful thing was said. Forgive is easy, but words of hate can't be easily forgotten. I am trying to accept that I can't change people's view and I can't change people's mind/behaviour...All I can do, is keeping my mind at peace, and pray that God give me strength and patience to deal with negative and angry people around me. I hate crying and feeling bad, and I'm feeling guilty to my baby. I'm sorry little feet, I'm really trying to be strong for you...I'm trying not to cry and be more patient. I hope you won't be an angry person, I hope you're going to be a very patient person, full of grace and politeness. I hope this are all just a test to build your character....I pray to God may you be more than I am. Amin. 

I was crying myself to bed last night, trying to keep it all in, and really try to be patient. Alhamdulillah, my husband was there to ease the stress...He keep reminding me to be really patient and pray that God will make it easier for us. It is easier to lash back out and exchange mean things to say..it does feels better, but it definitely won't make things better. So, I decided to really keep my mouth shut, and let these people get away with it. My prayer is that I hope people have more mercy upon other people and anger is really is a destructive tool on your heart and mind. May God protect me, and give me patient and strength. Amen....

Happy You:Happy Me

All of us wants to be happy, 

then it's best we share our happiness and let other feel them too...

In any way they choose...

because you chose your own way

and other ways doesn't make yourself feel at peace

why would it be different for them?

"None of you is a believer untill he loves for his brother (or sister) what he loves for himself"

-Hadith Sahih Muslim

More about the "Golden Rule" and how it has been translated in so many way, and has been known as the most common moral conduct or practise in many religion/system of mankind. Please read: HERE

Rain+Pretty Bow=Rainbow

Salam,

it has been raining for 3 days straight, it's cold but it's cosy. 

We spent our weekend in the house, spending our little time together. It seems the rain just washes away any negativity, any stress and tension, and clear up the air.

SubhanAllah,

May it clear up when needed to be clear,

May God shower all of us, with His blessings...

Amen.

Love+Peace,

H

*hugs*

Craving updates: Roti John

Salam,

When my husband and I were talking last night, I had a sudden urge of a new craving coming. And not only it's rare, i'm not even sure it still exist. I used to burn all my school allowance on these road-side stall snack. My favourite version was this stall in front of the shoplots near my house. The version was the simple version, not these complicated and sauced drenched ones like they have it now...If I wanted a sloppy joe, then I would have asked for it. But no, this time my difficult craving goes to this 1995 road side stall 'Roti John'. The EXACT specific one, because i suddenly remember how good it was. I remember being 8/9 years old and hoping for this yummy treat for RM1.50. I loved it so much, I was eating them at least one everyday. EVERYDAY.

What is Roti John? Some claims it originated from Singapore, some said it originated here from Malaysia. I don't find it matter. It is a type of omellete sandwich, made from egg, onions, minced meat, tomato sauce, mayonaisse and a loaf of long bun/bread (roti).

This is how you make Roti John.

First, you beat 1/2 eggs with some little minced meat, a little curry powder, chopped onions, mayonaisse and a little salt and pepper. Beat all these ingredient good. Then cut a long bun/baguette (hot dog bread works fine), into half and butter each side. Slightly pan fry (flat pan) them just to heat the bread, then scoop a big spoonfull of your little egg mixture and pour it on the flat pan. Place the buttered surface bread/bun (face down) on top of the frying egg mixture and keep them down as it cook. Flatten it as it cooks. Do the same, on the other half of the bread/bun. Repeat as many as you want. To serve, put the two half of the bread back together, and sandwich them with sliced cucumber, some ketchup (or my case sweet chillie sauce), and some mayonaisse if you prefer, in between those two half. Cut them to little sections and Nom-nom-nom away....

Now, where can I find that hot dog bun at this time of hour...*hmmm*

Who:Me

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

salam,

Some quotes say, move forward and forget your days in the past. Some say, hold on to it to believe in your scars are real. I always believe we got to remember to lesson of it, because that's how life teaches us. Although I also believe that the past shouldn't define us, it is something we go through.

I remember praying to God, hoping I could erase any memory I had about my past. At that point I was disgusted by WHO I was. I was also confuse because I thought, everything that defined me was at that point was not who I am. So I remember literally loosing my 'sense of self'. I remember asking myself, If I don't like everything that makes me me, then who am I? Then slowly it creeps back in, who am I to ask myself? How could I define myself when all these years, when I was not even listening to myself? I was so attached the idea of 'ME', that when I finally heard 'myself', I was willing to let go the whole idea of WHO I was. Who I am was not even relevant...I just need to BE. 

I started to appreciate my past, because it's like an open book lesson. I flipped it back, and remember the people who crossed path with. I remember the interaction, and started to realise it's all a lesson to us, our inner selves. regardless who we think we are at that point, because deep down if we listen to ourselves, it boils down to our true 'self'. Our fitrah. 

I remember a discussion I had with a friend of mine, she told me that in the end if we attached ourselves from everything and insist we stood by ourselves, then we just divide the universal one-ness. When if we on the other hand, accept everyone 'being-ness', regardless each and everyone's differences, then we just took everything as a whole. I felt that, and it's when i feel most liberated. Shading every labels, every segregation, every role, every 'name'... I found myself feeling free when I don't claim anyone including myself. It's a big claim which comes with a certain 'stereotype' when we say we're so and so, and such and such. It boils down to us really to dis-engage the stereotype on ourselves. If I were to claim I'm a Muslim/Women/Malay/Wife, I'm expected to act a certain way...to respond a certain way, then to avoid from being expected: I claim what it is as it is. Some say I'm not owning up to what I really am, does what we say really own up to really what we are? I rather my action speaks for itself, and the fact it's for God and He knows best, without me even explaining. Then in the end, it suits me well. 

I'm rambling again before getting ready for work. You all have a nice day!

Love+Peace,

H

Accepting Company

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

salam,

As I was saying in Sarah's Almost Clever post on  Oprah and her thoughts, about the 'non-traditional' marriage I'm in, I had been receiving a couple of wedding invitations. So far, It has been my 'stay-in-touch' reunion get-together, since as we get older, we all turn to our own life and on most time we hardly had time to keep in touch. Plus, we all prefer to meet 'live' than virtually. 

Some of the usual question after being marriage was, "So? How's married life?", "Any tips for us newlyweds?", etc...I've been only married for slightly more than a year, and it doesn't make me an expert. So to answer these question, it's as if I'm trying to say that I just started walking literally, and I'm claiming I have a PhD in Quantum Physics. I usually laugh out loud before watching their 'curious' faces, waiting for an answer... Like anyone who was married who came to my wedding said, I blurted, "Be Ready to Learn What is Patience". Seems to be, that was the one advice who bafles me on my wedding day, "seems like everyone is saying this, MUST BE PRETTYYYY important for me to remember". After the first month of marriage, I totally get what it means. It's like the two of you are moving your own whole life suitcase, in a small little room with each other, we're just bound to see the whole side of us. We tend to be more honest, more expressive, even more when you grew VERY comfortable which each other. But it becomes fascinating as you learn about each other  in that short period of time, you seem to accept each other as a whole. not just the good sides, but also in any angle. Accept as a whole.

when I say accepting one as a whole, I embraced the fact that we're both are VERY different. We have different personality, different background, and whollata different, but we didn't need to change each other. We both went through lot to know better than judge each other and try to turn someone into what we're not. In the end, we accept each other with a lot of patience. He continues to do what he loves, and I continue to do what I love. My husband loves fishing, camping and soccer, and I love spiritual talks, discussions, and cuddling. So as they say, a couple who do things together...stays together. But, not just what we love, but also we need to respect each other dislikes, regardless what they are. It's the same how we don't like to be judge with the things that we have problems with, why should we judge on others dislikes? This is when we need to be patience and giving that extra space & support. Alhamdulillah, for now it's working very well. Still, I'm not an expert, I can only say what is it. I can't guarantee fate. 

So to my friends who were recently got hitched, and who will be tying the knot soon...:Special shout out to my good studiomate during my time in the University, Syad and My secondary school good friend, Nina: " Congratulations! May God bless both of you in your marriage. May it be as beautiful as you both could imagine bounted by much love and happiness. " 

H note: listen to each other not any other, and how could anyone know what everyone else is SUPPOSE to DO? Most times, we don't know what WE'RE suppose to DO. 

Love+Peace,

H

The Old Nonsense:Move On

A daughter

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Salam,

My mother raised us all 5 of us by herself since I hit puberty. We were all going through our youth and was in the middle of our teenage angst, and she had to face us all by herself. She was the good guy, and she was also the bad guy. She was the one cooking us breakfast and dinner, before work and after, each and everyday, and also was screaming on top of her lung to discipline us all. Try to discipline a child of the city who was exposed too much by the media, and learned everything too quickly for their age. She was the mother, and she was also the father. As far as i could remember, i used to fear her wrath, she was VERY strict, and on most time I felt she was on to get me. and back then i remember telling myself, I never want to be like her...I'll be gentle, and loving & supporting mother. So little did I know...

When i 14, I remember starting to listen to all those noisy music. I will take the bus and go to the city and meet up with friends to watch rock concerts and underground live shows. I had far too many piercings on my ears, and adoning shaved head just because I can't stand being 'all perfect'. The more i expressed myself, the more I conflicted with my mother. Back then, I didn't understand what was the big deal was, and I keep telling her I was not dumb to take care of my own self. Back then, i'm sure she was just watching my back not understanding why i was pushing her away. One day, she found out I was smoking. The whole family, including my brother gotten very upset with it,  but I still keep telling them that I know what I was doing, and truth is I don't mess with anyone's life. If there's any life that is messing, it was just MINE. No one understands me (waa-waa-waa...*rolleyes*) would be such a cliche thing to say, but home was not where my heart was. I spend more time on my music outside the house, and finding family among my 'friends'. 

I had good friends, who accepted anyone and everyone, didn't go hurting on anyone and was not mean to anyone. We all had our way of expressing ourselves, and most of those ways by our cultural standard was something much of a 'taboo'. My mother keep asking me to keep my distance from my 'friends' and choose the 'better' ones. At that age, I was already tired with 'perfect' looking teenager who take pleasure on putting every person who is different, down. Girl fights, drama and competition of the smartest was something i hated. So my mum was shoving me these people i couldn't stand, I don't blame her now, we tend to see nice things and hope our children likes it too. She still insist i should dump all my 'trouble' friends. Then one day I told her, all the reason I was failing was none of these people's fault but my own, so I made a pact with her and told her I'll get my grades up if she'll just let me choose who my friends were. She agreed, and let me go with some trust. 

In school, teacher hated me because I speak my mind way too much. I talk back, and I tend to do my own thing. My mum made sure I keep my grades up, so although I was always in fight, messing up with the authority of the school, they can't kick me out because I was not failing. I walked out of class if i can't stand 'prejudice' teacher -those who just hates your guts because you're not cookie cutter perfect student. I always joined in the 'troubled' class for their art subject because I was in science stream (insisted by my mother), I expressed myself there and was discovered by their art teacher. One day, the teacher called my mother and told her how talented I was. Of course since I rarely communicate with anyone at home, no one really know I draw & paint. For the first time, my mum received a call, this time not because i showed a 'middle-finger' to the English teacher. This time, she was starting to feel proud.

I pursued with Art and expressed myself more. I have more piercing than ever, and had purple coloured hair when i was 16-17. My mum didn't like it, but I was happier. So the improvement was acceptable to her. I was still smoking, and I still attend rock concert, but I was loving school because i was finally good with something there. Although i was the 'black sheep' in school, I was elected as the 'head of school decoration' committee, participating in mural painting throughout the school. I would still drive the schoo teacher crazy, but the fact I was doing well in school, the headmistress barely had anything to say. Once i fell asleep in Biology, I remember the teacher was screaming on top of her lung, looking all crazed up. "You'll definitely FAIL in your final exam, and you'll NEVER be succesfull". I still remember the look on her face when i did a victory dance in front of her when i told her I got a 'D' for her subject, and i did not Fail as she said i would. "Nyeh nyeh, I did not fail". I was one of those student who the school was convince, the best that would come out of me for my final exam, is I pass. Even my mother thought the best i could do was just to pass my high school. I took extra art class, and thanx to that and my love for maths...my overall percentage in school final exam had me graduate with 1st class SPM(Malaysia Education Certicate) grade. My mother was more suprise than anyone else. Little by little, we accept each other in our life.

Me going to University did not change who I was. I was not prepping myself all neat and clean to impress the lecturers and the professors. I stuck with my torn jeans, 12 piercings altogether now, pierced tongue and mohawk hair, strutting my way in a 'Malay/Muslim' dominated university. To say the least, I was easy to hate by the pious one...and I was the favorite among the 'liberal' ones. At the time, i couldn't care less about religion...just as long as you don't hurt anyone, you're okay on my book. I had to deal with preachers, condemning everything I do and saying how i'll burn in hell. Again, I got sick with those 'holier-than-thou' people who look all nice and squeky but find pleasure in back-mouthing every one who is different from them. The contradiction of 'nice-ness' pushed me away into seclusion. Studio mates hates me, I'm frank with my opinions, and most of them hated it. I attend class, because i love the creative subjects, i stayed for the learning process but i was alone because I hated 'pretending'. It was here that my addiction grew, I was addicted to suffering in many forms....On most times, I find myself getting a 'pick-me-up' fix just to stay sane because everything else was making me depressed. People was driving me up crazy, family was driving me up crazy, I was driving myself crazy. 

Because I was alone, I was exploring myself with many strangers...being spontaneous and acting crazy every day. It was liberating because when I was at that state, it was the only time that the world did not 'hurt' me. My mum was worried, my brothers gave up trying to 'discipline' their baby sister, to the point My mum was crying and praying all the time. My self value, to be honest was something i couldn't care less with. At that point, I really did not care what people thinks. I was described as crazy then. To some, I was fun; to some, I was a satan. Then I got myself in Jail. I took it nonchalantly. I was in because i failed my urine test. I didn't get the change to talk to my family, so when i finally released, I felt guilty to my mother. Here she was all alone, trying to keep her sanity to raise her children in this crazy city, I let the world get the best of me without a fight. I let go, and I went loose and lost myself. I expected that she'll loose her temper this time, like everytime i screw anything up. But, to my suprise, she hugged me in embrace and just accept me as her daughter, rejoining her. We talked a lot after, I expressed everything that a daughter should not talk to their mother. We yelled, we cried, but this time we didn't bottle it up inside. This time, we really communicate. If back then, everytime she yelled and advice me, its either me having no chance to explain myself, or i feel it was no use of explaining. That one night, she told me having her heart broken by someone she loved, and having to raise 5 children with nothing but good hope. A story that I never once asked her. I realised all these time, It was not her that did not understand...it was me who didn't take time to realise.

It took me 2 years after my 'jail' incident, to finally turn a new leaf. I had a new perspective in life, and had so much appreciation of life. Instead of focusing the world's insanity and the crazy people in it, i was trying hard to keep focus on my own sanity. Some got upset how mellow i had turned, because they loved my 'crazy'-couldn't care-less-loud attitude, but to those who knew me well, just know that deep inside i'm still the same. Back then, i would never imagine in a million years that me and my mother would be this close. but Alhamdulillah, I'm so glad after everything i had to go through, after having to watch everything I did on the sideline, she still accepts me as her daughter and rejoice me like I've done nothing wrong in my life. God's mercy is in everyone, and we could definitely see it in parent's unconditional love and acceptance. Now, going through that and reminding myself about what my mother had to go through, I'm learning to gain that faith and mercy to raise my step son and my own children. It's a practise that takes years to gain, finding forgiveness in every mistakes....finding love in every fault, finding faith and trust in every lie your child come up with. 

Watching my step son tippy-toe around me, finding loop holes to skip homework, and had to nagg everytime he lies and fail to listen to our advice, i was realising how i sounded more and more like my mother. At first i was worried...Oh No, I'm torturing this boy. I'm such a fun killer...which i vowed never to be. How can I let him do this...How can i just let him be that...? As i was sharing all my parental delimma with my mum, she told me that 'sometimes, the best you can do is care and it is shown everytime you clothe him, everytime you feed him, everytime you're concern about him' Everything else, she said, was a matter of having fate, and pray that God protects them when it's beyond your power. Of course, We'll loose our mind in the brink of trying to shape a person, but don't forget to be patient and let them learn. And also to remember when to let go. Having all these concern everytime i deal with my step son, I started to remember my mother and with every scream and shout, she had nothing but concern and she fought hard before finally letting me go. 

I'm not worried about being the bad-guy anymore...but don't get me wrong, i'm not ready to get all 'SUPER STRICT' mummy either. I just need to know my place, although there are times my concern would get me 'monster' like, at one point i just need to learn to hope for the best for them...

Love+Peace,

H

Budding : Opinions

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

salam,

I was thinking about the wisest people i met, not the phd with whollata alphabet behind it, the simple wise ones who had through so much and questions about life. There was some kind of awareness of a higher being. And then it always boils down to two, those who keeps condemning and preaching without action all the time and those who accepts every belief that man could have. 

Once I met a man who walks on many earth, see a lot of pain, and grow so much in young age. He had to believe in no one but himself, and his parents was among those who againts him. At the time, it was not for ego, just for survival. And once he was aware where he was, he wasn't aware of himself. He is a healer for people, using the Holy words to cure one suffering. But behind close door, only to those that is closest, his rage was beyond imagine. Thought he had so much knowledge, I was suprised to find him this way. And one day, we met with our own opinion. He cursed and he rejects, and he cut me off from his life. How could a 'messenger' shun the messengee, when it was not his message to begin with?

Then i met a man who walks on many earth, see a lot of pain, and grow so much in a mature age. He chose not to believe in anyone including himself, and so everyone is against him. At the time it was not for ego, but for sanity. And once he was aware where he was, he was aware of himself. He knows he can't heal anyone, he only use acceptance to cure his own suffering. But behind close doors, only to those that is closest, his love is beyond imagine. Though he had so much knowledge, I was suprised to learn him this way. And one day, we met with our own opinion. He listens and he accepts, and he continue to share me in his life. How could a 'messenger' deny the messengee, when it was the Only message to begin with?

Love+Peace,

H

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