salam,
I'm gaining strength Alhamdulillah, through one day at a time. Honestly, I was definitely praying to God for the blessing of having my own child, truth be told, and I can't tell you how grateful I am when my prayer was answered. As I go through it, I started to doubt my self...(it's okay, judge me all you want). I got scared since I struggle with my step son, the noise started to play in my head, "can i really do this?", "Did I asked something that I couldn't handle?", and it sure did not come easy since 'LIFE' goes on..and there's up's and down's. Challenges and test comes from left and right. I broke down way too much that I couldn't understand it. The more I try to let it out, the more I was judged. Like it was 'unaccepted' for anyone to go through vulnerability. So most of the time, I keep it in. And then, the more I keep it in, the more it eats me up inside. The painful part was, I was aware of all of this, and I couldn't help myself.
Then I started to think back about the blessings, the prayer that was answered, the child I'm bearing...My own transition for being a mother. The more I keep myself in this suffering, the more I'm being selfish. I'm harming my own child, every time I let myself 'thinking' I 'needed' to suffer. As I started to read, and meditate again, trying to keep my mind 'in control', Alhamdulillah, I'm starting to see my little rainbow. We all forget, especially going through 'crazy' times, that at the end of the day, when we're alone on earth (when no one but yourself can help you), we forgot about 'The One'. At least, I know I did. It took me, several breakdown, painful loneliness, secret worries, I even hide myself under a bed (!) because I just wanted to disappear from everything, -to find out I didn't even ask help from the 'Bigger' Power. I pray to God everyday, but sometimes, it takes more than a thought to find your spirit and restore it strength. As my mind quiet down, as I let go negativity like wind passes through, and keep telling myself 'I don't need to explain myself to anyone', I find myself finding more and more strength. All those time I thought I couldn't help myself, true enough sometimes I'm not strong enough to help myself. We all need a 'higher' energy to give us more strength. It's only after His help, that anyone else could (including ourselves) reach out and give the extra hand.
My husband has been so patient with me throughout these 'difficult' episodes, that I have nothing but greater respect for him. He's been accepting me, without judgement, and continue to support me without pushing me towards any direction that I don't feel like going. I have the tendency to 'please' people, but with him...he never seemed to 'push' me, regardless how idiotic my decision is, he gets my intention...and it is always easier to communicate when it comes to him. So sayang, May God bless you for being who you are, even after all the things 'people' say...
That being said, I would like to remind myself here of all the rainbows that I have in my life right now;
1. Being bless with a baby in my belly
2. Not to have nausea/morning sickness/feet cramps/etc & etc of long list of pregnancy hiccups.
3. Having a supportive mother. and entering to motherhood, brought another level of respect for my mama.
4. Finally having great good night sleep...*sigh*
5. Loving husband, I shouldn't say more...
6. Dalai Lama...(book review coming your way!-this book helped me upon everything else I'm doing)
7. Getting to open the window, and to have fresh air hits my face every single day. I live in such beautiful place, I still can't believe it.
* Upon a lot of things I'm thankful for, I'll stop at 7 for the 7 colours of the rainbow..LOL..
Alhamdulillah...
Don't get angry with yourself if you find yourself feeling pessimistic. Acknowledge that it is only natural to feel pessimistic at times, when life is boring or when you encounter difficulties or hardships.