Who:Me

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

salam,

Some quotes say, move forward and forget your days in the past. Some say, hold on to it to believe in your scars are real. I always believe we got to remember to lesson of it, because that's how life teaches us. Although I also believe that the past shouldn't define us, it is something we go through.

I remember praying to God, hoping I could erase any memory I had about my past. At that point I was disgusted by WHO I was. I was also confuse because I thought, everything that defined me was at that point was not who I am. So I remember literally loosing my 'sense of self'. I remember asking myself, If I don't like everything that makes me me, then who am I? Then slowly it creeps back in, who am I to ask myself? How could I define myself when all these years, when I was not even listening to myself? I was so attached the idea of 'ME', that when I finally heard 'myself', I was willing to let go the whole idea of WHO I was. Who I am was not even relevant...I just need to BE. 

I started to appreciate my past, because it's like an open book lesson. I flipped it back, and remember the people who crossed path with. I remember the interaction, and started to realise it's all a lesson to us, our inner selves. regardless who we think we are at that point, because deep down if we listen to ourselves, it boils down to our true 'self'. Our fitrah. 

I remember a discussion I had with a friend of mine, she told me that in the end if we attached ourselves from everything and insist we stood by ourselves, then we just divide the universal one-ness. When if we on the other hand, accept everyone 'being-ness', regardless each and everyone's differences, then we just took everything as a whole. I felt that, and it's when i feel most liberated. Shading every labels, every segregation, every role, every 'name'... I found myself feeling free when I don't claim anyone including myself. It's a big claim which comes with a certain 'stereotype' when we say we're so and so, and such and such. It boils down to us really to dis-engage the stereotype on ourselves. If I were to claim I'm a Muslim/Women/Malay/Wife, I'm expected to act a certain way...to respond a certain way, then to avoid from being expected: I claim what it is as it is. Some say I'm not owning up to what I really am, does what we say really own up to really what we are? I rather my action speaks for itself, and the fact it's for God and He knows best, without me even explaining. Then in the end, it suits me well. 

I'm rambling again before getting ready for work. You all have a nice day!

Love+Peace,

H