"God's way of taking out the weeds"

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

salam,

Since i didn't do much moving except my fingers, clicking through blogs and pictures the entire day, i decided to go through blog reading and bumped myself on Mama, I married a Masri. This particular post right here, struck me to the heart, i almost cried. Why? Believe it or not, i got 'weed's' taken out of my life, almost to non existent. As i mentioned before, although i'm a born and raised traditionally muslim, my upbringing was pretty much liberal. I grew up pretty much like how any modern city kid grew up, in any state of a country at any point on earth; watched MTV, played with barbie, went to co-ed school, drool on boys, go partying, the whole hoopla's one 'muslim' would definitely frown on, having traditional belief on the back pocket...in case anyone ask. Most of my friends are those who basically did the things i did...like me break it down how i would describe 'old' self (pre hijrah), I soak myself in music always dreaming to be in a band...I have old rock souls, who have soft spot for The Cure and Pink Floyds, I really don't give my 2 cents on what people think-i'm frank that way and rather loud. I had cigarette hanging on lips almost all the time (my mum eventually gave up on commenting on it), paired with my torned up jeans and beat up second hand concert t-shirt, with multiple pearcing on my earlobes, navel and tongue. 'crazy' is what people usually define me, with my usual 'thank you' for the compliment. I did my own thing, barely messed up the society or do any crime, nontheless you should have guess my type of typical crowd would be.

So when i gave everything up, almost overnight, i understood how many of them fled. My first year after 'reverting', was me going to class-back from class-back to my rented room-sit in a cave-go out and cook and bring everything inside the room-occasional loo trip/take wudhu-the whole cycle. Anytime ANYONE wants to keep me company, was a HUGE deal for me. And i'll be yakking about Quran and Faith, and i eventually freaked people out. (i couldn't help it, it's all i talk about-its all i want to talk about) so i'll be in my room again doing my own stuff untill i graduate practically spending most of time, meditating in my 'cave'. I have to say though, i was able to keep my head in check with a lot of reading and i was able to memorize a few ayat while i'm alone. Alhamdulillah for that. Thus, i did spend a lot of night crying because i was lonely. I still couldn't grasp the idea about 'God is near' at the point yet. I know He is near, He listens to EVERYTHING, but it was an idea of HIM being out and beyond instead of HIM within EVERYTHING...(i grasp this concept much later on) so speaking to HIM, pouring my heart out to HIM literally was something i'm not use to. I was pretty much a social butterfly and my life has always been evolving around friends. I had always had friends that i can pour my heart to, but when i 'changed' somehow all those shoulders to cry on was somehow felt like a distance. I couldn't blame them, i was in a different body. Although deep inside i'm still the same. My 'stylish' fashion style changed to loose fitting drapery layered over layered (since my change was drastic, i wore my dress over my jeans, and wear jacket over my dresses-i improvised what i have to be modest) and my ever changing hairstyle was now covered, hiding all my piercing away (which i took them all off-i'm done with it). My usual loud cheering and vulgar jokes are pretty much muted out, since i don't talk much anymore...i'm talking about the whole 180 degrees. Heck- Who is this person? is the exact same thing i felt when i first saw my covered picture side by side with my old picture. There was no connection what so ever. You can definitely see how they freaked out.

Some, stayed for the memory, politely calling me up inviting me for 'drink' when which later i realised, everytime we do...we end up reminiscing fun things we did back then and that was the only thing we could talk about. We all have different view and direction in life now, although some made an effort to stay 'friends'. Deep down i know, we were good friend that now grew apart. I hardly know what's going on with them, and i doubt they know better what's going on with my life. Living more than 500 km away from the city is a way of looking it, but i've been in connection with my mother who is in the UK with the help of the trusty internet i doubt, my distance is really a problem. I took some effort to call whenever i'm in the city, but their free time after work are rather too late for me to drive back home (driving almost midnight on an uphill swerving narrow road-alone-without glasses/spectacle since i broke it a few months back and still havent' get them renewed- is not easy). Some just skipped picking my phone call entirely. In the end, i gave up. I had to turn down a lot of their request for (1. giving up 9-5 architect job means i don't have more than $3000 a month job salary, which means i rather pay $50 for my whole week meal than just ONE meal- but i gave up explaining since everytime i explain, all i get is an angry/fedup respond on the other end. they eventually stopped inviting/calling. 2. I rather not go into details, God knows how i feel at this moment in this situation, it hurts me and saddened me)  so, as much as i gave up explaining the truth, life just gave up on our bonding. I'm not too sure if i ever had a bestfriend, come to think of it, i always refer closest friend i have to 'good friends'...i have longest friend which is the best friend i have although we can go MONTHS no knowing with each other's life, and after more than 12 years knowing each other, we don't know each other birth dates (yes, its very weird..LOL, but she happens to be the most comfortable person i can hang out with and have deep conversation without judgement. Everytime we meet each other, who we are really doesnt matter, we just click and talk and laugh away)which is weird for 'friends' to do...and the fact we have nothing in common (we just accept each other-no judgement), we don't hang out with the same crowd and since my new spiritual 'enlightment' our bonding had also changed somehow (we used to just go CRAZY when we meet each other and smoke our heads off-and flip the effing story out of our bleeping life, i'm mellower now, and we accept who we are still) but i know, it still is different.

which reminds me of a story of how i got heart broken by i thought was my soul mate-bestfriend. The first time we spend time with each other, we bonded straight away...she was easily my favorite people to spend my time with although it was rather short but it was like we know each other since childhood, we would keep in touch when she's in the US for a couple of years, and we would go on random road trips together (which obviously isn't easy if we're with someone we don't really like). We bonded of course, but we share our own private life, (she's very secretive at times, but calls me when she needs to pour her heart out after her fight with her mother), but i respect that...so, easily when i was proposed in my hands in marriage, she was my first choice as my bridesmaid. But when i asked her, my expectation of 'Oh HOW i would LOVE to, i'm so HONORED' was squashed like a bug under a phone book. She shrugged and tell me 'Are you sure? I don't think i'm the right person for it'...Turns out, we're not mutual in being 'best-friend'. I somehow thought of her as my best friend, but she saw me as only 'friend' that she get along with. Of course i still invite her for my wedding...LOL, but i have to say, it was devastating to know that i am not as equally important to anyone out there as i put them in my eye. but, of course being an adult you brushed it off rather than crying your eyes out and rant it in your pink diary you keep under your pillow how you're not friends with 'her' anymore, and scratch BFF and every picture you have with her. So you know, i survived with minor heartache, (and the fact i was married with Fa as my bride's maid, i was still a happy bride)

Half true when it comes to Fa, my longest and loyal friend who happen to be the
best friend (not too sure if we're best friends) i ever have, regardless how funny our friendship is

As many friends that had fell off the friendship-wagon, as sad as it may be...i try to tell myself that my faith is for my own. I'm not trying to win a popularity contest. So, if it means being happy with my own self is the way it should be. Then so be it. I'm doing it for Him. A friend told me, everyone needs a spring cleaning in our friendship, which is exactly what Angela means by 'God's way of taking out the weeds'. Having that said, I now can safely let go any strings i tied myself to in fearing for being alone. Friends are people who give as much you give and sometimes more. If i have to feel like i'm trying, then maybe its best to let go. I'm learning a lot about attachment lately, even when it comes to as much as i love my husband and my family...i know, I will eventually part ways with them as God has planned them .Still, i should know that i would never be alone at any point of my life. Truth is, God is always with me, as long as I am with Him. and thank you Lord, for taking out the weeds i don't need in my life...

H note: To friends whom we had parted ways, let's not pretend that it's the same when it is clearly not. Let us not TRY and torture with hypocrasy, lets just be honest. It hurts more when we expect to share 'bonding' when clearly we're doing less then caring, thus it always comes short in expectation. As much as me not being offended of you not calling, please don't talk behind my back and express you being insulted that i don't show up everytime you invite me for 'coffee' 700km away from my home. Because this would be the last time i would even bother explaining...let us just grow up and lead our lives, if it is fated we'll cross path again..then we really have nothing to worry about. InsyaAllah. May God bless you friend.

Love+Peace,

H