Step Parenting:My Journey

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
salam,

This is a very difficult post for me, and i've been struggling to pour it out. Especially since i came back from my recent vacation with my family. As some of you know, i'm an unexperienced step mother to a 10 year old boy. It's a struggle for me since he moved in with us, i'm sure it's difficult for both of us. I realised that it's been hard for me since i keep hoping to be this 'perfect' mother, and i was expecting him to be a 'good' son. Both, end up making me frustrated by the situation. I caught myself saying the things i swore i wouldn't say, but when i do...it's too late. To be frank, i'm never good with kids. I can spend limited time with them, and i'm rarely affectionate with them. I realised these whenever i see adults can spends hours talking with children giving undivided attention, by listening tentatively, when me on the other hand rarely have the tolerance with 'out of hand' kids. I don't hate them, i can be playful with them, but i'm just not affectionate. And no, i'm not proud of it, but i am aware of it. So, realizing that now i am a mother figure to my step son, i find that my lack of affection have somehow taken a toll on me. 

Children being children, they tend to make mistake, and as a walking experience guide to them, i tend to share my experience and advice. Children tends to want to have fun all the time, regardless of their health, hygene, heck-regardless of anything. We were all children and we know how carefree we were. Yet, being a parent, only wanting the best for our children, we hope they don't get sick, and they don't harm themselves. It seems, everytime these 2 things combine; there's a conflict. For example my last trip on our family vacation. It was a monsoon fishing trip, true enough most of the children were fishing in the rain, without any rain gear on. Knowing for the fact that my step son gets sick very easily, i found myself stopping him from fishing, and keep asking him to go to take his bath (and just take a break). He was upset definitely, he got out of the rain, but he went to sleep instead. I woke him up to take his bath, he got up and went someplace else to sleep. I found out minutes later, and had to use my authoritive voice. (which i hate!) He did, but that evening, he was down with bad fever. Which, brings me to the 'i told you so' mode. Frustrated as i was that what i fear to happen, happened, i try to ease it off by attending to him that evening. Before i knew it, the children was taking out their PS3 and he was 'feeling better' already. I was a tired pregnant lady, so i gave up and went to bed. 

The same thing happened a few times when out of his best interest, it seems i was the party pooper-the fun killer-the bad guy. I find myself crying out of frustration, i really didn't know what is the right thing to do. I realised this, when my husband left the boat to go fishing in the woods, so my step son had to go fishing with limited tools for his rod. He was again, fishing in the rain and when finally he was out of fish hook, i told him it's about time he give it a break, take a bath, and have his meal. Of course, he didn't like this. (He LOVES fishing)Since i couldn't give him any fish hook, he went to his uncle (my husband brother) for one, and before i knew it he was fishing again. You see, my in laws have many kids on their own 5 the least, and on most times they couldn't have their full attention to their own kids. So some of the kids (my step son cousins) were fishing like no one's business in the boat, they can go on without bath, meals, spending hours...fishing. No one is on their back telling them to stop and remind them to take their bath/meal. My stepson seeing this, and compared himself to them; "How come its fine for them and not me?". Can you imagine how am i the bad guy here? Just imagine these was going on between me and him on the entire trip. Stress and pregnant lady does not goes well together my friend...i kid you not. My husband of course, try to lighten it up. I asked him why didn't you say anything when the boy is going on fishing like that without meal an such. His answer was, "I was just like that". So am i being over protective? Over worry? I don't know what to do anymore...

When it comes to 'serious' responsible talk, my husband tends to take this lightly and jokingly. To him, he's a boy and he need to toughen up. I don't know it's because due to my lack of experience or just my maternal 'caring' instinct, its hard for me to just watch a child doing something that is harmful to their own selves. Yes, i worry...worry too much. Which i realise is blocking my ability to respect and show my unconditional 'love' in a way. One part of me, wants to respect him as a child and let him be  child, and one part of me wants to be this responsible parent that gives valuable lesson to their child. It's different because one; he's not my child, i don't know him that well enough, his conditioning while he is growing up somehow effects the approach. You know how you approach people differently when you know them better? The thing is, i don't know how to approach him, and i understand it takes time to know him better. Children and adult relationship is much more complicated, especially for someone who have so little experience with children bonding. Through this experience i realised how i'm giving 'conditional' love to him, in a way restricted because of my limited knowledge of who he is, which of course...is like a big question for me. I'm a true believe of peace and love...and here i am struggling to give love to a child. 

I was telling this to my sister in law, and as we were talking about 'Amma' aka the 'Hugging Saint' i realised that i'm going through a personal struggle and journey of unlocking my 'unconditional love'. It's easy to give love to someone volunteery and understanding it. especially adults, because somehow i understand adults and their respond. I had learned through experience to be non authoritive and not to expect any thing from an adult. It's easy to give love to your own children, the one that you witness their birth, going through their growth as you grow and already having that unbreakable blood bond. But here i am, putting 'effort' in the name of 'love' when it should be effortless. I still don't know what to do with this situation, i try to kick out the 'worry' and 'fear' in me...and i'm not going to wait for 'time to tell', My sister in law told me that i should be aware and take it as it is. I realised that my 'expectation' also destroyed my love...because it leads to many dissapointment and frustration in our mother-son relationship, i should remind myself to kick that out too...I don't know what i'm saying, i guess this is another rambling of my struggle in my journey.

Dear God, Please give me the strength to give mercy to the people around me especially to my step son, without fear, without expectation and without being conditional. Help me love myself, love the people around me as how You showered Your mercy in abundance to all of us. I pray for Your mercy and grace, may it help me to share Your mercy and Your grace. Amen.