How I Met My Husband

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

salam,

When I announced that I was getting married to my friends and relatives, most of them were clueless of who I was marrying to. Some figured out during my engagement, (in Malay tradition, the groom's family come to ask for his hand in marriage. Most groom doesn't make an appearance. My groom came, but he dressed down and only came to show the way to my house). And most of them found out on my wedding day itself. It happen quite fast, and i'm very grateful for that. Many asked how we met, and it is a wonder how me, a born and bred city girl would found love with a simple village-boy (or to some of my friend, jungle man). Every time i told them our story, on how we met and how fast we got married, many found it's just like those impossible stories you see from a movie or read in a book. Relationship and marriage is simple, if we keep our intentions pure and have great faith in God. I always believe, just do it right and by fate, insyaAllah. Everything will just fall into place.

Before my father past away (hijrah mark),i had dated many guys- i had started dating since i was 15. In Malaysia, regardless being a 'Muslim' country, boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is rather normal. I can safely say in the 90's, the dating scene was like in the US during the exact same time. Nothing promiscuous like how it is now though, it was milder then. I'm a romantic at heart and i'm a true believe of love. I never thought love suck, or love hurt at any point of my life. I just love being in love. I would break up with a guy, feeling sad, get over it and ready to be in love again. I wasn't traumatized much by any heart break, not that i didn't have any feeling or it was a casual relationship. I'm always head over heels in love in a relationship, but i'm a believer that the right person comes at the right time. If it doesn't work, we can always be friends. I can safely say, i remained friends with almost all of my ex-es (believe me, it's really not that many). Many stayed and became a good friend a girl can have. I really didn't get a long with girls much, since i was in a 'rock band' and all, i was mainly surrounded by my good guy friends. Untill everything change.

I always believe that relationship is like a 'test drive' to see how compatible one is with someone we choose to spend our life with (yes, that's how serious i am in most of my relationship-end destiny:marriage, but it somehow come far along the line; have a relationship-get settled-buy a house-be financially stable etc-then get married). To me relationship before marriage was like 'playing house' except the 'marriage' part. We love each other like husband and wife do. We care for each other like husband and wife do. We know each other's business like husband and wife do. We'll call and check on each other like husband and wife do. Some goes to the extend by living with each other like husband and wife do. All in the name of 'LOVE' but the commitment is not like husband and wife do, because for someone who believes in the constitution of marriage, your love and your act of love are still unlawful. But after i started to read the Quran and immersed myself with spiritual topics, all of these change. I couldn't believe in it anymore. To me, relationship before marriage (besides friends) is really a waste of time. (no offence to those who are...this is my opinion, i think i'm free to express how i feel about it, and i don't need an explaination why you think otherwise). I had a strong belief in fate, and it was strengthen after i read more of the Quran and the Hadith. I remember how i would fall for a man and would express my love which are uncertain and unsure. Doing that after having God's mercy, was like falling for someone other than your saviour. I just couldn't. That point, my love was for my Lord, and i belief marriage was a blessing and opportunity for me to play my role as a women in this 'body' in this temporary 'world'. The opportunity to make good deed as a patient and supporting wife, and as a mother who raised spiritually aware children. Marriage was also as to my interpretation for me to lessen the burden of my family and start my own family (not my family ever said it was a burden, it was very instinctive). As my principle in relationship change, so does my view in the opposite sex. I did not only put a veil on my head, but also a veil to the rest of the world. I had strong faith in God, that i believe that by His blessing and Mercy, He would bring me a good husband that would be good enough for me. 

Of course, I was ready to receive anyone Allah fated me with. Knowing who I am, and what I have done in my life as a women, I did not put my expectation high. As much as would dream having a pious man, an imam who would guide and teach me in our spiritual journey (who is also a race car driver-a women can dream...), who have a good steady job, a friend...I tried my best to be a realist. Once i had a conversation with my good friend about marriage, I was sure that If God would fate me with someone who was abusive and hot tempered, I would be ready. (this is due to someone close to me who married a pious man but somehow have a very short temper, and gets angry all the time). Then this wise and good friend of mine reminded me something beautiful in the Quran. After flipping the page, Surah 24: Ayat 26 was placed in front of me. It says;

"Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity; these are not affected by what people say; for them there is forgiveness, and provision honourable" 

(Quran 24:26)

I had tears in my eyes, it feels as if my soul was consoled. I didn't know what it meant by depth or by scholar's interpretation, but somehow i just feel my faith just grew. And all i need to do is being patient, be steadfast in my faith. Every night, i prayed to Him that He would bring what is best for me closer, and what is bad for me far far away, For He knows Best and I know not. I long to be a wife and a mother, so i could serve Him in a role of a women the best that i could, and i was ready with my fate.

As i put my veil within me and the world, my relationship with the opposite sex was kept as same as i have for my female friends. My guy friend suprisingly did not fled away as some of my girl friends, it seems they find my change was just an outer layer, that deep inside i am just the same Hajar. Although it does somehow change. The things we talk about now revolve around spiritual matter, which is suprising since I never realised these sides in them. So, i was very blessed to have good friend i can still talk to, yet it was controlled and Alhamdulillah. The veil created a safe space between us, and there was a lot of respect and seriousness in our conversation. Thus, it strengthen my believe that i could just have 'non-labelled-exclusive' relationship , in a control define space and still get to know a friend. Romantic feeling was cast aside, and keep the feeling as harmless as possible. Not because i was supressing my feeling, i was focussing my feeling on a higher cause, which was God. At any point, i feel lust/romantic emotion between me and a man, I pray that Lord would protect me from unnecessary feelings and that my Love is 'SURE' and 'CERTAIN' from only God. Unless someone would agree to marry me without hesistation and much 'excuses', my love for a man is unsure as the weather and uncertain, not worthy to be expressed. As much as i don't trust a man with their lust for women, i didn't trust my own self either. I took the precaution in keeping my self in my own space, safely. At that point of my life, i was not ready to repeat the same mistake i did for a man, which i did before.

My seclusion had brought me more and more deep into my own self, somehow the city was missing 'something'. It has so many distraction, so busy that i had to get away from everything. My friend suggested that i should take a retreat vacation, somewhere close by from the city, but tucked inside a forest. A friend introduced me to a place called Janda Baik, a famous retreat village where guest house and chalet are located between streams and virgin forest. One day, i packed my laptop and hope to stay for a night. Just to relax. I was suprise to know less than an hour away from the city, lies a secret village on a foot of a mountain surrounded by green and rivers. I remember the first time i came here, I didn't do anything nor said anything. After i found myself a guest house (introduced by a friend), being a born and bred city girl, the sight and sense of everything around me was too overwhelming. I never knew this kind of peace. Somehow, i just feel i'm surrounded by His creation, which made me feel nearer to Him. Little did i know, i was staying in my 'future' brother-in-law's guest house. He was a very nice man, he runs the guest house with his french wife. The wife, was someone i had the most interesting conversation with the first time i was there. Being a traveller herself, who found Islam by reading the Quran,(not by marriage), she was an amazing women with a beautiful soul. i enjoy her companion and shared many opinions with. Loving the ambience and the people, i came to Janda Baik almost every week, for my relaxation fix away from chaos. The more i spend my time here, the more i get to know the village people.

I first came to Janda Baik in February 2009, and since then i've been commuting from KL to Janda Baik for countless time and found myself in a village meeting its people and starting to become part of them. They invited and brought me to places in the forest i never imagined i would see with my own eyes, swimming in a river and waterfall which to me was an experienced that made me fell in love with this place. More and more, i grew attached to the people and the place. In june, they invited me to their annual trip into a deep virgin forest which is in the border of national park which would take 6 hour drive from Janda Baik-Terengganu, then 2 hour drive through timber trail (off road) and 8-12 hour by feet, tracking into the forest to the camping site. I was ecstatic by the invitation, not only have i never went jungle tracking before, i was excited with the idea being in a middle of nowhere in the forest away from the civilisation. But, agreeing to come, i need to prepare myself mentally and physically because once i decided to come along, i can't quit halfway into the forest and wish to turn around and go back. So, The owner of the guesthouse sent his younger brother, who was a handy man there and also a forest guide, to help me train. Little did i know, this particular guide and trainer, would end up as my husband.

As he trained me, tracking into the forest in Janda Baik, he suprise me for being such a gentleman. Not only that he distanced himself away from me throughout the hiking, he also did not try to make any kind of 'flirting' conversation with me (unlike some people who did try). He wasn't  a stuck-up to ignore me, a slow and unexperience hiker, he didn not whine and complain for me being slow...nor was he taking the advantage and try to grope me by any chance i slip or fall. He was really a 'gentleman'. He answered any question i had as clearly as he can, and he would constantly ask if i need any help. Other than that, he would patiently guide me and was quiet the entire time. I have met many man from my previous experience, and none would behave like the way he did that it still make a big impact on my view on him. No, i did not fall in love in that instance...it was his action that says a lot of him as a person, i just feel safe. He was kind. Genuinely a nice guy. Since i came to Janda Baik the first time untill June, we never talk more than 2 words. He was one of the guy who always speak so little and did not jump and flirt with every lady guest that come to their guesthouse. Unlike the other men around. Who tends to be friendlier, and always tends to make flirtatious conversation to their guest, especially women. None of them know my history, i know most of them who are nice to me, are only nice because of who i have become. I know they would treat me differently if they would to meet the 'old' me. I had observed how some men would look down on a women for acting a certain way, and would choose a wife not by their heart but how they look and act (village men are known to be more conservative in the choice of wife. They would prefer pious and religous women who are very polite, softspoken and gentle-most of them prefer the wife covered and modest). Deep inside i could tell, some of these man could not handle my past, let alone forgive my past and except what i have become. Deep inside, i know if they would to know my past, it would be like a 'stained' that could not get over it. Why i emphasize on my past? because i have heard countless tales about women who hides their past and wish to start a good new life with their husband, only to be known later own in marriage with their husband angry for their past instead of being forgiving and focusing on the present. Or better yet, those who tried to tell their past and being left for it. Regardless on how they have changed for the better all these times. Not all man, some. These 'some' man i wish i don't have to deal in my own marriage. 

The more i get the know them (the village people), the more closer i become with them. They had become my extended family. We start to have more conversation, and we grew closer after the annual trip (which deserve a post on its own...the experience was AMAZING). I also had more conversation with my gentleman guide, untill one day we were talking about relationship and marriage. He have a son from his previous marriage who was 9 years old at the time. The son would be around almost every weekend, and on weekdays would stay at his grandmother's house (gentleman's mum). He did not look that old, He was only 31. so, it made me curious on how he views relationship. Especially for someone who was married in a very young age, have a child, and had to end their relationship as their marriage failed. He was suprisingly open, his answers was very thoughtful and smart. He was not exactly religious, he was just a really a genuinely a kind hearted man. One conversation lead to another, we somehow talk about our how we view on each other. Turns out, we both had great admiration for each other and grow very comfortable sharing conversation with. (besides The owner's wife, i don't have long conversation with anyone else). Trying my luck, i opened up about my past to him, hoping to be honest before anything even started. At this point, knowing him, i had great faith that i could trust him with my 'secrets'. He doesn't seem suprise at all, and me being a born and bred city girl, he had somehow prepared himself the possibilities of life and changes i must've have gone through. He told me, how we all make mistakes when we are younger, and as long as we strive to be a better person, our past is simply not relevant to be a scale of measure of our present self. And it still does not change how he sees me. I somehow knew that he could take my past very well, and Alhamdulillah by His help, it is like a sign for me. It just feels right. (as lame as it sound).

I don't remember how, but i somehow asked him if he likes me, would he take my hand in marriage? Instead of the excuses i usually get (How about we give it a time, and get to know more of each other? Let us be in a relationship, and let me find the money, to buy a house/car/etc? bla bla bla), without pausing he said yes straight away. Our conversation went straight to planning when he would send his family for my hand in marriage, and he didn't seem to flinched or fear. We were both serious in getting married. 4 months later, after having conversation with my family, and his family...working around and planning, we were officially engaged on the 3rd of October 2009. Along the way, we took the initiatives to work for our wedding expenses. He is a carpenter and a builder, in a local village, he is paid by the hour, but it was his determination which surpasses some men who works in an office with 5 figures salary who still does not have the gut to get married. I was very impressed and blessed. By 25th December 2009 (8th Muharram 1431 AH), we somehow manage to gather some money together (with a lot of help for family and close relatives) for the wedding, and was safely married...Alhamdulillah. To me, having a rich/good looking husband was not important. Having a degree/fancy job also does not make someone smart or wise. Although piety would mean to share and have guidance, i know faith comes with a pure heart. He may not be religious, nor was i but i changed, so i had faith by his own kind heart that one day he will find peace in Islam on his own journey. InsyaAllah. 

After the wedding, we were down by nothing. We rented a house here in Janda Baik, and was sleeping on a mattress on the floor with clothes in our bag. That is how we started. Slowly, together we try to meet one day at a time. Alhamdulillah, to us it doesn't matter if we don't have a big fancy house, nor a big fancy car. We are blessed enough to do what we do best, putting our best effort to support our life, and happy with any Rezeki(blessing) that God blessed us. From a mattress, we now live in a comfortable house, have food to eat, and most important of all very happy with each other. Of course, it is a struggle but we constantly remind each other to be patient and God will be with Us as long as we try our best and keep our intentions pure.  It is different to get to know someone and be in love with someone after marriage, somehow it feels more peaceful and feel more right. Everyday, we learn more of each other, learn to trust and tolerate with each other better, and grow with each other. Truely, I'm blessed enough to have met a simple man, through a simple relationship, went through simple marriage, and now lead a simple life. We have simple expectation towards each other, and are just simply in love. Everything else just simply fall into place, Alhamdulillah. 

This post is dedicated to my husband, my step son, and the little feet who would join our family next July (insyaAllah), Alhamdulillah i am truly blessed. May Allah bless our family with much happiness in dunya and most of all the world beyond. Amen.

Happy 1 year Anniversary Sayang!

8th Muharram 1431-8th Muharram 1432